


It Pains me to See You Fall

by Urmom1010



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Flashbacks, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Dyad (Star Wars), Heartbreak, I make a lot of shit up so don’t hate pls, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Luke Skywalker, Jedi Reader (Star Wars), Lightsaber Battles (Star Wars), Luke Skywalker Needs A Hug, Mutual Pining, My own take on the sequels, Slow Burn, Soft Ben Solo, ben falls to dark side, i kinda rework the sequels but I do shit different idk, ill write these as I go, the reader and Ben are a dyad, this is kinda sad in the beginning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:00:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28376592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Urmom1010/pseuds/Urmom1010
Summary: You have grown into a fierce jedi, spending many years at Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Academy. You have made many friends and may have a crush on the infamous Ben Solo.But something happens. Everything changes. Ben is Kylo. You feel torn. How can you save the same man who is set out to kill everything you’ve come to love?
Relationships: Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	1. Fight Harder

Ben stood in front of the Jedi temple- which had now fallen to the ground. His face reflected the intensity and anger of the flames that surrounded him as he looked down upon the limp bodies.

He had killed everyone; All his fellow Jedi he once considered his best friends, sisters and brothers. In his head, he approximated that about 50 feet ahead of him lay Master Luke’s limp body. Ben knew he could not defeat the Jedi master, although he wanted nothing more than to impale his Uncle with his crisp blue saber. No, what Ben needed to do was to leave. Leave before you saw him. Saw what you did. 

He did not realize you watched the entire scene unfold, that you stood there, consumed by your disbelief. No, no one thought the day would unfold this way. This day held many surprises. 

——

1 year earlier 

You bit back your groan of frustration as the dormitory was filled with the loud beeping noises of R2-D2. Waking up extremely early was just one of the many ways Master Luke instilled discipline in his young padawans. With your eyes half-closed, you silently yawned and got out of your bed slowly. You stretched one foot, then the other and now it was time for your arm- 

“Ow!” You yelped and jumped off the bed as you felt something hard smack against the back of your head. 

Aleta rolled her eyes and let out a small laugh. “I never understand why you’re so slow with everything you do. One day, your sluggishness will bite your ass.” With her odd prophetic-like comments, she strode to the fresher and you glanced around the room.

The room was modest, nothing too fancy. After all, the Jedi life was meant to be a simple one. An extremely large room, walls the colour of the Tatooine desert sand and 10 grey coloured bunk beds filled the room in 2 rows of 5. 20 female Jedi. There was a separate male dormitory with 9 bunk beds. 18 male Jedi. 38 padawans. 1 master. The future of the Jedi order. It always baffled you how much work Master Luke put in to train you and your fellow friends. You heard stories of when the Jedi were at their prime, each padawan would get their own master! Oh, how you wished you were born at a time where being a Jedi was not something that should be kept secret and hushed; but seen as an amazing gift that was appreciated and actually utilized in the galaxy to help others. You thought that maybe the secrecy of the entire academy might change with time, but this was now your tenth year at Master Luke’s Jedi Academy. Nothing had changed. Only your family that you can vaguely remember back on Coruscant knows where you are. That you’re still alive. To everyone else, you’ve gone missing. You your anger away. The anger and confusion of not being able to see your own family. Why was that such a bad thing? Ignoring these thoughts, you think back to when you were brought to the Academy at 9 years of age. You, along with Ben Solo, were Master Luke’s first padawans. He always told you how both Ben Solo and yourself were the easiest kids to train.

A snapping of fingers brought you out of your thoughts. It was Aleta. “Come on, you’re going to be late for training!” Aleta gave you an irritated look before using the force to grab her lightsaber in her hand and latch it to her waist. With that last kind warning, you were left alone in the dorm room. Sure, maybe you were slow and lethargic purposefully, as this would be the only moment in the entire day where you would have an ounce of privacy. You smiled to yourself, walking over to the fresher and using the invisible hands of the force to grab your training clothes for the day.

You entered the lush, green fields outside The Academy and found every other padawan surrounding the hooded figure you instantly recognized as Master Luke’s. But...wait. They were all...standing there. Unmoving. As if they were waiting for... oh shit. Master Luke was waiting for you. You knew it immediately with the way the cloaked figure slowly turned in your direction and dramatically took off the hood of the vintage grey cloak. Master Luke’s sky blue eyes watched you descend down the hill and towards the group. You always found his eyes held a certain wisdom in them, his now aged face a testament to the years of hardship he has gone through. He folded his arms in front of him.

“You’re late.” Master Luke said. To the point. Straight forward. A man of few words. He let his talent and power speak for him. 

“I’m sorry, Master it was just-“ 

“No. From now on, everyone will wake up half an hour earlier to prevent any tardiness from occurring again.” 

You could feel everyone internally groaning as Aleta looked at you and shook her head. You felt someone’s stare. You turned to Ben Solo’s eyes, noticing his messy black hair that added to his youthfulness. He gave you a toothy smile, and you quickly turned away trying to hide the tinge of pink that flooded your cheeks. Ben rarely got angry. If he did, he did a good job of hiding it because you’ve never seen him rage. Ever. To you, he was the perfect embodiment of what a Jedi should be. Unlike you, Master Luke always hesitated to praise Ben. It was clear Ben was the strongest out of the entire group, his relationship with the force was remarkable; the way he could call unto and manipulate it with such ease and expertise always fascinated you. But whenever Ben would clearly showcase his superiority, Master Luke’s eyes would cower in fear. He tried to hide it, but you saw it. Deep within his eyes, lay a recognition. Something bad. Something dark. You never said anything. Oh, how you wish you said something.

“Today we will continue our weekly duels. Just as the previous time, two will be selected to fight in order to refine your combat skills. Most important thing to remember: you and your lightsaber are one. It is an extension of yourself. If you listen to this important piece of advice, there is no reason for you to duel weakly.” Master Luke pauses, staring at you. You feel unsettled. He points at you.

“You and Ben, start.” Master Luke ushers you to where he is standing and Ben also looks taken aback by the choice. 

“But Master, I’ve duelled last week. Shouldn’t someone else-“

“What did I say about obedience?” Master Luke turns to you, his tone calm but you know he is a bit irritated. 

You swallow the lump beginning to form in your throat. You move to where the Jedi is standing and find yourself parallel to Ben, who is standing a few feet ahead of you. Luke steps back, leaving you and Ben alone. Taking your two lightsabers out, the fiery gold colour meets your gaze as you move into a defensive stance. The longer lightsaber held in your right hand, angled towards your opponent. The shorter lightsaber (which you nervously gripped) held parallel to your chest. You were anxious. You’ve never fought Ben. It’s like the two of you were intentionally always kept separate. Always at opposite ends of training sessions. Like Master Luke was trying to keep you both separate. You never understood why, but never questioned it. The uncertainty as to why you were suddenly fighting the best padawan you had ever seen made your stomach churn. 

You never really liked losing. With that thought in mind, you decided you were going to give it your all.

Refocusing, you gripped both lightsabers tighter, eyeing your opponent as he too, ignited his single lightsaber. Both of his hands gripped the blue sword and the both of you fell into a rhythm of slowly circling each other. The air was tense, each waiting for the other to attack first. Ben smiles at you, like he knows you’re becoming more impatient. Involuntarily, your eye twitches. You don’t like silence. You don’t like waiting. 

So you charge at Ben.

Both your lightsabers aim to hit your comrade. He quickly brings back his lightsaber, effectively blocking your attack. You both hold this position, and you apply more pressure to the your sabers, desperate to wipe the calm expression Ben has. He then looks at you curiously, a bit confused. 

Why do you want to defeat me so bad? 

A male voice inside your head questions you, and you fall back. It becomes silent, the cackling sound of the lightsabers hitting each other no longer filled the air. You could’ve sworn you put your mental walls up. No one should be able to enter your mind. Not without you knowing or feeling some sort of disturbance. 

You look back at Ben. Staring at you curiously again. He does not come to attack you. You pause. Then shake your head. You need to focus. You need to defeat Ben. You both fall back in to the same song. The song where the two of you circle each other, watching each other as you do so.

“They can’t see us, you know.” Ben finally breaks the silence and you simply look at him in confusion. You grip your sabers, ready to attack. 

“What do you mean?” You ask, extremely puzzled by the entirety of the situation.

“We’re in our subconscious. Somehow talking to each other. No one can see it.” 

You pause. So does he. You look at him to find him gazing at you, a look you cannot understand. But you feel it. You know he is telling the truth.

“What do they see?” 

“Well, they see us fighting. Normally. Just a couple of hits and blocks.” Ben snorts. “I thought you’d be a harder opponent to defeat.” He looks at you, raising his eyebrow.

You let out a huff.

“Well maybe if you didn’t take me into this weird limbo-“

“I didn’t do anything.” He quickly interjects. “I don’t understand how this happened, but it did. Close your eyes.” With that, he closes his. 

You stare at him and almost scream as you feel a strong burning sensation in your right shoulder. You quickly shut your eyes.

When you open them, you find Ben’s face in close proximity to yours, his blue lightsaber lightly stinging your skin as you’re failing to push him off your body. 

Everyone around you is silent. Watching. You feel Master Luke’s concern. 

With the pressure that comes from being watched, you use it to fuel your desire to win this duel. Master Luke warned you many times not to use these negative feelings to wield power, but it became a hard habit to break. You knew manipulating your own feelings to wield more power was not a very Jedi thing to do, but you couldn’t let Ben win. Not so easily.

You let out a strangled scream, calling to the force to aid you. You quickly start to overpower Ben, pushing his lightsaber away from your shoulder. Just when there is enough space between the two of you, you force jump backwards. You’re breathing heavily. Sweat drips down your neck. He’s panting as well.

This time, you wait for him. You know to be patient. For some reason, you know his next moves. You don’t know how to explain it, but when he comes charging at you, you effectively dodge it. You smoothly duck under him, somehow knowing he was aiming for your midsection. The force is buzzing around you, you can feel it guiding you in your attacks and blocks.

Quickly turning around, you move into full offensive mode, using both sabers to repeatedly hit Ben. Your opponent stumbles back, clearly struggling to meet every hit. You mercilessly attack, one lightsaber then the next, each aiming for his neck. He breathing becomes even louder, as his expert ability to block your attacks wavers. The two of you continue, the only sounds are your grunts and the sizzling of the lightsabers as they come into contact to each other. With you on the offence, Ben is forced to tread backwards, and you both enter the forest that is impregnated with the tallest of trees. 

Something tells you Ben will be trapped and at your mercy very soon. So you abruptly stop. Ben is clearly taken aback by this. His momentary hesitation is all you need before you kick out your feet, tripping him onto the ground and pointing your long, gold lightsaber at his chest. 

You let out a bubbly laugh. It was a childish move, but it worked. You won.

“I thought you’d be a harder opponent to defeat.” You smirk as you echo his words for when you both were strangely connected in your minds.

He lets out a laugh. You liked the sound. You wish you heard it more often. 

You cleared your throat. Extinguishing your lightsabers and attaching them to the hilt of your beige leather belt, you hold out your hand for Ben to take.

He takes it immediately, and you feel a subtle tingling sensation where your hands meet. You look down, overwhelmed with this unknown sensation...

You don’t understand it. So you quickly let go after pulling Ben to his feet. You can tell he felt the same foreign feeling, as he refuses to look directly at you. 

You frown. 

Sure, it’s weird that the two of you can talk to each other with no one else knowing and fighting simultaneously... wait. That is odd. You pause. The two of you stare at each other, each looking at the other for answers. 

“What...just happened?” You ask slowly, blinking repeatedly. The adrenaline of the fight is starting to wear off. Your shoulder aches. You can feel the blood oozing out of your new wound.

“Sorry about that.” Ben quickly blurts out. You give a start and give him an incredulous look.

“Why can you read my thoughts? I swear I’m not projecting them.” You eye him suspiciously and he gulps. 

“I don’t know... I just can. If you focus, you can read mine too. No matter how hard I try to block you out.”

You cautiously step away from him, narrowing your eyes. You don’t know how to feel about this. This is a lot of new for you, and you don’t do well with new. 

You let out a breath. You clear your thoughts and call to the force. Suddenly, you’re being pulled into someone else’s thoughts.

She probably thinks you’re weird.

Good going, idiot. She’s bleeding a lot. Oh god, I cut her pretty deep, didn’t I?

She looks really pretty even when after a battle.

You let out a laugh. It’s his turn to look startled. 

“Were you...?” He asks and you respond by shaking your head yes as you can’t stop laughing.

You feel giddy. The Ben Solo thinks you’re pretty. 

Before you can tell Ben to start heading back to the others, The familiar silhouette of Master Luke greets your eyes. He looks at both of you. Ben, with his torn back sweater and a small burn on his neck from your lightsaber. You, with your sweaty nude fitted shirt. Your right shoulder filled with blood, as you now grasp it to relive some of the pain. Ben really cut you deep. 

“Come with me. Both of you. And next time Ben, don’t cut so fucking deep.” Luke turns around and the two of you trail behind. Ben gives you a nervous look.


	2. The Dyad

You sometimes question how you end up in these situations.

Like how you’re in Master Luke’s private study (one you did not know even existed), staring dumbfounded at the older Jedi. Beside you is an equally dumbfounded Ben Solo. The two of you are standing so close together, your shoulders touching.

Your right shoulder is no longer a bloody mess, Master Luke had taken you straight to one of his medical droids. You are now strictly forbidden to engage in any sort of physical activity that would strain your shoulder. At least 3 weeks. 

Now you were here, in a dark brown study, with shelves covering almost the entire perimeter of the room. Filled with books of different colours. Jedi texts, you assume. Deep within the room, is a large, mahogany desk. On that desk lay many open books and it takes you a moment to realize the open ink bottle and quill that lay in a yellow book. Master Luke is writing a book- multiple ones actually. You look toward the man, impressed. 

Master Luke sits behind his desk, elbows on the table as he holds his head in his hands. He lets out a long sigh.

“So who’s going to tell me what happened during your little fighting session?” 

Master Luke looks directly at you. You immediately falter under his gaze. You now notice the exhaustion his eyes hold and this unexplainable fear. You want to rip your eyes away from his, his sadness contaminating- consuming your own feelings.

“Nothing happened, Master.” Ben curtly responds, slightly bowing his head. 

There a silence. It’s not awkward. Everyone is just...trying to figure out the right words to say. This all seems like a very delicate situation. You’re about to speak, to explain the truth- when you’re interrupted.

“I supposed I should’ve said this earlier...” Master Luke grunts as he pushes his chair back and stands up. He walks towards Ben and yourself, stopping right in front of you both. He claps a hand on Ben’s shoulder, and gives you an uneasy smile.

“Do you remember...as children, I’d say you were the easiest, most gifted children I had ever seen?” 

You face breaks into a smile. 

“Of course I do Master, one of the best memories I have here at the Academy.” You beam up at Master Luke, your expression faltering when he does not return the smile. He merely looks at you. Studies you. 

You turn to look at Ben. He’s not smiling either; lips in a tight line as he looks at Master Luke wearily.

“What is it, uncle?”

Master Luke sighs yet again, leaning back on the front of his desk. Arms crossed in front of him.

“Do you both know what a dyad is?”

You slowly shake your head, never hearing of the term before. However, beside you, Ben Solo immediately stills. Whatever a dyad is, Ben surely seems to know.

“Well, a dyad in the force binds two force sensitive beings together. Essentially, they are one. Incomparably powerful when they are together.” Master Luke pauses as he says this and you scrunch your face in confusion.

“Why...are we talking about dyads, Master?” You ask quietly, knowing full well the answer to the question.

“My dear, I’m fairly certain you both are a dyad. Incredibly, inexplicably the most powerful pair I have seen. Which is why I ask, what happened during the fight?” Master Luke turns to you, somehow knowing Ben wouldn’t say anything. 

Ben seemed to have paled and turn as white as a ghost. 

You were so confused. Based on Master Luke’s attitude, why was a dyad such a bad thing? Doesn’t that mean the two of you could fight any enemy and maintain order in the force? 

You take a deep breath. You calm yourself. 

Then you explain to Master Luke about the odd exchange you had with his nephew. All throughout you recollection, Master Luke remains stoic and strokes his grey beard quietly.

When you finish, the Jedi Master looks between the two of you.

“I’d suspected from the very beginning you two were a dyad. I wasn’t sure if my guess was correct, as I’ve only read about such things in ancient scriptures.” 

Master Luke starts pacing back and forth. You can feel the anxiousness radiating from him.

“Forgive me, Master...but why is a dyad- one that consists of your own nephew, considered to be such a horrible thing?” You ask this sincerely, utterly confused. Should we not be celebrating? A dyad seems rare, and you’re part of one!

Master Luke walks to you. Doesn’t stop walking until he is extremely close to you, pained eyes looking down at you.

“A dyad...in the wrong hands. Imagine that. You both could potentially wreak havoc on the entire galaxy. You could be easily manipulated to carry the wrong doings of others.”

He pauses. Your eyes widen as you listen to this information. Ben remains as still as a statue.

“That is precisely why you will not tell anyone of this connection. I am only telling you both because it seems necessary for your training. Use each other. Become better in the force, in battle. I feel we may need it soon.”

With those foreboding words, Master Luke finishes his explanation. He turns back and sits in his big grey chair, delicately taking the quill and begins to write.

You nod at Ben and begin to leave, expecting him to follow you. He does not.

——

You intuitively know where your friends are. It is the end of the training day, everyone is gathered in the main hall. Your friends liked to take their food there, as you all talked and laughed. Everything in the Academy was painfully simple; what lit up every room were the lively and colourful friendships between the padawans.

You hurriedly enter the main hall, its high ceilings, pale walls and simple chairs scattered about would all normally repulse you (all the simplicity), but today, you welcomed its familiarity. You easily spotted Aleta, the togruta. She was the only one of her kind here at the Jedi Academy. You found her lavender skin beautiful, especially stunning were here white and dark blue lekku. You could tell she always felt out of place. Most of the other Jedi padawans were of human species. You always made it your personal responsibility to ensure she felt at ease. At home. After all, you wish someone would have done the same for you.

Taking a seat beside her, you greet your 3 other friends. Kebe, Andor, and Marin. You loved all your friends, each of you knowing each other extremely well. You had grown up together and you hoped you all would continue to grow old together as well.

Kebe, her strong sense of intuition always lead her to finding answers with ease. So, when you sat in front of the young woman, she instantly knew something was wrong. That you may be hiding something.

After Andor tells one of his jokes (that everyone must force themselves to laugh at), Kebe snaps her head to you. The chocolate-coloured Jedi, with her hair pinned back and big black eyes boring into your soul startles you. 

Everyone can sense your feelings...how exhausted, tired and shocked you feel. But shocked at what? 

“Okay, come out with it. What conspired between you and that Solo?” Kebe spoke first, biting into her bread.

Marin eyed you curiously. He shifted his pancho off. He took that thing with him everywhere, claiming it was the last thing his father gave to him. You never understood the point of such sentiments. You thought Marin was always so attached to such trivial things. 

“Nothing,” You said. You would listen to Master Luke. You would not let anyone find out. You would not let this gift be manipulated and bring pain to anyone. Just the thought made your lips quiver involuntarily.

Your groups of friends caught that slip. Andor’s eyes narrowed.

“Did he hurt you?” Andor asked, his grip on his leather jacket turning his tanned skin, pale.

You let out a snort and point towards your shoulder. “He didn’t mean to. And that’s besides the point. Leave it, guys. Not telling.” You wave your hand to dismiss the topic. 

Your eyes meet the cautious gaze of Aleta, slowly chewing her food. You can tell, she’s silently asking you if you’re alright. You give her a smile. Through the force, you send a feeling of warmth and gratitude towards her. She beams at you in response.

That should keep her off your track, you think to yourself.

“Well I’m heading off to the forest,” Marin stands up and begins to grab his dark brown pancho. He reminded you of a sailboat. One that aimlessly wanders in the sea. He never stayed in the same spot for too long, always aching for an adventure.

Oh, how you wished he was here with you. To make a horrible joke despite your new circumstances.

“I’ll join you.” Kebe says a bit too quickly, both of them accidentally budding heads as they get up in the same direction at the same time.

You all laugh. Everyone else (except Kebe and Marin) knew how much the pair liked each other. Master Luke was a bit more lenient with such...feelings. However, he always cautioned pursuing such feelings. You hoped one day, sooner rather than later, your two best friends would admit to each other how they feel. You could tell they longed for each other. 

They both threw on their panchos and left the main hall, leaving you, Aleta and Andor alone.

“You know, if you ever need to talk. We’re here.” Andor looks at you with such intensity as he says this, and you’re taken aback. You feel Aleta’s hand light grasping your shoulder. 

“Perhaps you should go rest, it has been a long day for you.”

You nod and smile at both of them, Andor staring at you. As you turn away, he opens his mouth multiple times, trying to find the words. He wants to comfort you, call you back to him, make you laugh. Instead he watches you leave. He slumps in his chair.

Aleta laughs. “Well, that was painful to watch.”

“Shut up.” Andor mumbles in response.

——

Kebe and Marin were not the only ones in the forest that night. Besides their quiet moans and grunts as they were consumed by lust and love for one another, the forest was surprisingly quiet.

Deep within the forest, far deeper than Kebe and Marin went for their ‘adventures’, was the young son of Han Solo and Princess Leia.

Ben Solo found himself kneeling, talking quietly to the pixelated blue image of Snoke. A new friend he had recently made. A friend that praised him for his gifts. That told him not to be afraid of his talents. 

Regardless of Snokes’ rather...deformed appearance, Ben Solo found his golden long robe similar to the blades of your lightsabers. Whenever he became uneasy around the eccentric man who claimed to be his friend, Ben would remember this and become weirdly calm. 

Ben told him everything. You. The dyad. His growing resentment for his uncle. The Jedi. He asked Snoke if there was another way...another way to be trained without the restrictions of the Jedi. No, not a sith. Somewhere in between. Snoke smiled at his soon-to-be apprentice. 

These feelings of rebellion nurtured by Snoke would not go unnoticed by Master Luke. 

Sitting in his study, Luke felt it. The darkness. How it wasn’t here physically, but someone was calling unto someone with such dark powers... it was unsettling. He shook his head. Yet again, he turned a blind eye when he should have ventured to find the disturbance. He already knew it was Ben. He did not want to deal with the disappointment, the confrontation. Instead, he wrote. He wrote in his yellow book of the dyad.

Walking back to your dormitory, your nonsensical humming is abruptly interrupted with a series of sensations. You feel overwhelmed with anxiousness and this...this feeling of falling. Falling into an endless pit of darkness. The sensation overwhelms you with such a strong feeling of loneliness, you let out a strangled gasp and lean on the wall for support. 

You immediately know where these thoughts are coming from. Ben. You desperately want to run to him, find him, comfort him. But you do not. You were scared he would push you away. Afraid to damage your own ego, you refused to comfort the person you truly cared most about. Instead, you simply dismiss it as a low moment. You rationalize it. Everyone feels lonely sometimes, you think. 

And with that, you enter your dormitory and get ready for bed.

“Soon,” Snoke’s voice booms through the subspace transceiver. “Soon, my dear child, you will no longer have to hide your gift. Soon.”

Ben Solo did not like the ominous tone of his friends’ words. But who else could he turn to? He never felt more alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed <33


	3. Training and Betrayals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man! Things are gonna go down...soon. Also, forgive me for any typos- this was written at 12 am lol

6 months before the attack

Another day, another training session. You and Ben practised daily together, both of you improving greatly. 

You had to admit, when you and Ben fought side by side, it was like Ben was a third lightsaber. Another extension of yourself. You both knew precisely where to move, when to move, and where to attack your opponent. 

Today was no different. 

The planet the Academy was on was one that always had a tropical climate- no snow. This was extremely helpful, as the environment truly was your training ground all year-round. You breathed in deeply as you walked through the familiar grassy hills, toward the forest. Ben was meeting you there today. He insisted today the two of you trained in private. You blushed just thinking about him.

Over the last few months, the two of you have undoubtedly become closer. Inseparable, even. He was now part of your close group of friends, and now joined you all in the main hall. You loved his laughter, especially how he’d tilt his head back slightly and his jet black hair would move away from his face. 

You cleared your throat.

The two of you were friends. 

Nothing more.

Lost in your thoughts, you hadn’t realized your feet carried you to the forest. Tall trees filled your eyesight, cracks of sunlight bleeding through the spaces between them. Watching your step, you walk to the large, unusually wide tree. In the middle of the tree, is a large hole. This is where Ben said he’d meet you. At first, you were reluctant and Ben reassured you that the tree was hard to miss. You now understood what he meant as you chuckled quietly to yourself.

“What’s so funny?”

The familiar voice calls out but you jump in surprise, quickly turning around while grabbing one of your lightsabers and igniting it in the direction of the voice. 

Ben’s toothy, boyish grin meets your gaze and you visibly slump your shoulders in relief.

“Always so paranoid. That can’t be a good thing.” Ben tsk-ed, now circling you, watching you as you extinguished the blade of your weapon and fold your arms.

“Not so nice of you to sneak up on me like that. Besides, what are we even doing here? Alone?”

You put emphasis on the last word, raising your eyes at him in suspicion.

Ben let’s out a laugh, casually draping an arm around your shoulder and pulling you closer to him. 

“We both know I’m the best in the class. Thought you might like some pointers from yours truly.” 

He says this cockily, grinning widely and looking down to meet your gaze. Without knowing, you melt into his hold, only making his grin grow wider. 

“Get ready, I have something special for you to do today.”

You stand up straight, pulling yourself away from his embrace (even though you wanted nothing more than to stay there for eternity). 

“What is it?”

“Well, one should be aware of one’s surroundings. It got me thinking, a battle of any sort won’t always be on some pretty, clear field we train on. It may very well take place in some crowded place such as a forest. A place that allows many chances for your enemy to deceive you.”

As he says this, he pulls out a black bag and takes out a red blindfold. You nod in understanding. 

“So, you want to take away the sense of sight and train our ability to find our opponent. Even when our surroundings are a grave distraction.” You say this, finishing off any long speech he had planned and he turns to face you. He smiles.

“Exactly. There will be a droid, silent as the library on a Sunday evening. You must track the droid, destroying it. Be careful, it’s hard to focus and rid yourself of the distractions that fill the forest.”

You interrupt him with a snort as he begins to wrap the soft red cloth over your eyes.

“Now, you’ll have to call on the force for help to dodge and destroy the little droid. However, you also need to depend on your relationship with the force- it will guide you and help avoid...collisions with your surroundings.”

“Seems easy enough,” You say and instinctively take out your lightsabers. You hold them at your sides, each ignited. You’re ready to get this small task over with.

Just as you’re about to nod at Ben, giving him a signal that you’re ready to begin- you feel a sharp shock at the back of your neck.

You jump forward, shocked at the odd tingling pain.

You quickly realize it was the damn bot, that Ben had already turned it on. 

You let out a noise of irritation. Your mind becoming muddled, suddenly your senses heightening. Mainly, your ability to hear. You now heard the crunch of leaves and twigs as animals walk upon them, the cooing of the bird in her nest somewhere ahead of you, the groan of a deer that seemingly fell down somewhere- it was too much. Too many sounds. 

You held your head in your hands, dropping your lightsabers.

You never heard them hit the ground. You could not see it, but Ben easily stopped their fall using the force. He called them towards him, your lightsabers now in his grasp. He eyed them. They felt...just right. Exactly how he felt when he held his own lightsaber. 

He frowned at that.

He shook his head, looking at you. You were breathing heavily, legs slightly bent, and your hands covering your ears as the blindfold inhibited your vision. 

He calmly approached you and took the blindfold off.

You blinked repeatedly, and looked at him. You cleared your throat, as if it would hide the embarrassment you felt inside. Such an easy task, yet you failed horribly. 

“You’re impatient. Your thoughts are a mess. You must learn to slow your thoughts down.” Ben said this as he tied the blindfold around his own head.

You looked at him, rolling your eyes. “Are you going to show me how it’s done, Solo?” You ask after you realize he can’t see you.

He smiled, dimples gracing his face. You really did like his smile. It made you feel warm.

“I suppose I must. Watch closely, student.” He teasingly says, his voice oozing overconfidence.

You grab the droid and turn it on once again. It immediately flies in the air, moving high up in the trees. You watch it become lost in the thick green leaves and frown. 

Wasn’t it supposed to...go towards Ben? 

You look over at Ben, who is utterly calm. He points his singular blue lightsaber ahead of him, ready for the tiny droid. 

You see your lightsabers attached to his waist and you itch to grab them. 

You dismiss those thoughts, instead focusing on how calm he seems. Unlike you, his breathing was evening and he slightly tilted his head downward, as if the position helped him hear better. 

Suddenly, the droid came into view, rapidly spitting fiery red plasma energy in the shape of multiple beams at Ben. 

You let out a gasp, sure that Ben would not sense the attacker’s presence and would fail.

But Ben did not.

He swiftly turned around, facing the same direction as the droid. He brought up his blade, swinging it left, right, then right and left. All the directions where the beams of pain were aiming to hit him, he effectively deflects them.

The droid begins swerving between the trees, beckoning Ben to chase it. 

Ben does exactly this, he brings trailing behind the droid. 

It seemed as if Ben were not even wearing a blindfold, he seemed to know just exactly where the droid was heading. 

The droid turned around, blasting another red laser. Ben quickly moves out of the way, moving behind a tree to aid his dodge.

Using your distracting surrounding to aid you, you think to yourself. 

Ben moves out of his hiding spot, quickly using his lightsaber to deflect another shot the droid has for him. 

The young Jedi moves closer towards the droid as it shoots once more, to which Ben expertly deflects back, hitting the droid. The droid explodes, the only contents remain fall to the ground. 

Ben sighs deeply. 

He extinguishes his lightsaber, takes off his blindfold. He finds you gaping at him, eyes wide as you can’t help but be utterly impressed.

“How did you-“

“Focus. Patience.” Ben nonchalantly responds, walking back to where you stand.

He calls your name softly. 

“If you could learn to be patient, perhaps you’d become a better Jedi knight then myself.” Ben says this, moving extremely close towards you.

He looks down at you, your noses almost touching. 

Eyes wide, you look back at him, feeling the fast pulse of your heartbeat in your ears.

You quickly peek at his lips. His full, soft, pink lips seem to call your name. 

Only then you realize, Ben is calling for your attention.

“Wait...what?” You snap out of your daze and look at Ben who laughs.

“I was asking if you’d like to try again. Practise makes perfect.” 

You face heats up in shame. Ben definitely caught you staring at his lips. 

You simply nod your head in response.

——

A few hours had passed. 

You kept doing the same exercise, but you could never destroy the droid. 

You’d start, extremely focused, deflect a shot hear and there. Then, you would become overwhelmed with the sounds in your environment and the next thing you knew, you would run face first into a tree.

This happened more times than you’re comfortable admitting.

Each time, Ben was patient. This time was no different. 

You frustratedly tore off your blindfold, blinking back angry tears. 

Why couldn’t you eliminate a tiny, minuscule droid? If you couldn’t do this, how can you ever be ready to fight an enemy? 

“Hey, don’t think like that.” Ben says, approaching you and takes your hand. 

You give him a small smile as he helps you to your feet. 

Your hand remains locked in his. You glance up at him. You feel all your agitation, annoyance and disappointment wash away. 

Instead, you welcome foreign feelings of pride, contentment and utter adoration. 

It takes you a moment to realize that these feelings are from Ben. 

Your heart clenches.

“You need to trust the force. Call unto it and maintain that connection. You’re strong, but your insecurity distracts you.” 

Ben’s observations catch you off guard and you hastily break eye contact with him.

“I suggest you meditate right before bed and once you wake up. Get used to clearing your thoughts and connecting with the force.”

Such advice was given to extremely new padawans and you felt your face flush in anger. 

You were extremely trained. You’d been here the longest, and this was the advice Ben Solo was giving you?

As if sensing your displeasure, Ben holds your chin and tilts your face so your eyes watch him. You lean into his touch.

“I am not saying you’re incapable. I want what’s best for you. Something tells me you haven’t been meditating. It becomes apparent when you train. Meditate. Only then will your thoughts become clear in battle.” 

Even after he is done talking, you both stay in this position for awhile. Neither of you do anything, each waiting for the other to initiate some sort of sign- affection. 

You want to kiss him. Badly. 

He wants to kiss you. Badly.

However, instead of leaning in, Ben loudly clears his throat and lets go of his hold on your chin. 

“We’ll practice again next week. Hopefully then, your mind will be in a better headspace.”

With that, Ben Solo walks off, leaving you alone in the forest. 

——

When you arrive back to the main hall, you already see Ben with the rest of your friends. 

They’re all laughing at something Ben said and you see Aleta almost falling off her chair, shaking as she giggles.

“Hey everyone,” You smile as you approach them, taking a seat next to your crew. 

“Where were you?” Andor asks, trying to blanket his concern with a nonchalant tone.

“Oh, just took a walk. Needed to clear my head.” You respond, scratching the back of your head as you clear your throat.

Whenever...odd moments of intimacy occurred between you and Ben, neither of you talked about it. You always pretended nothing happened and he did the same thing. It was this cycle of flirting, getting close and suddenly pushing away that always left your annoyed and confused. 

But you never did anything about it.

Kebe raises her eyebrow and looks between you and Ben. Both of you are sitting stiffly. 

Thankfully, she doesn’t say anything and the night continues with playful banter and laughter.

“Well, it’s time for my evening stroll,” Kebe says as she takes her pancho and holds Marin’s hand in her own.

Everyone let’s out a series of oooh sounds and the pair blush.

“Shut up guys.” Marin says and the couple turn around, walking away from the friend group.

“I’m glad they finally admitted their feelings to one another. Look how happy they are.” You say this smiling, gushing about your friends as you can’t help but feel extremely happy for them. 

After all, you did push the two to admit their feelings for each other many months ago. 

As you looked unto the couple, you missed the heated gaze of both Ben and Andor. Watching you. Your smile. 

Aleta looked at the boys eyeing her friend and suppressed a laugh. You were always so naive with boys, never knowing how much they liked you. 

“Well, I’m off to bed. Andor, do you mind walking me to the ladies’ dorm?” Aleta says, not even giving Andor an opportunity to respond as she links his arm with her own. 

The two begin walking away, and Andor looks back at you, his expression unreadable. 

Now it was just you and Ben. Alone. Sitting opposite from each other.

You find yourself looking at him, his usual black shirt and pants stained with earth from your training session today. 

You slowly trail up his body and reach his eyes, to find them staring at you. 

You quickly look away, sure that you’re face is as red as a tomato. 

“Listen, I just wanted to say that...” 

You look at Ben, who started talking but stopped himself. He’s staring at you, mouth slightly parted. 

For the first time, Ben seems to be at a loss for words.

“Please continue, Solo.” You cheekily say, grinning at him. 

He gets up and sits in a chair right next to yours, your shoulders touching.

“I... care deeply for you.” Ben says, almost breathlessly. He looks into your eyes, and you feel the wind knocked out of you. 

You knew he did, but saying it verbally made you feel giddy. He cared for you. 

You smiled at him.

“I care for you too, Solo.” You say it quietly, like a small prayer a child says before they drift to sleep.

“Let me walk you back to your dorm.” Ben says, reaching for your hand. 

You give it to him, feeling the same spark burn your skin every time you touched him.

You begin walking out of the main hall, entering the long hall that would lead to the female dormitory. 

“Thank you. For teaching me, I mean.” You mumble, not knowing what else to say. 

“Of course, I only want you to get better.” 

You smile again and stop. You look around, seeing no one else in sight. 

It’s just you and him.

Alone.

You feel impatient. You don’t like waiting.

You let go of his hand, wrapping your arms around his neck. You softly pull him down towards you face.

You lean in to brush your lips with his. 

He eagerly responds, deepening the innocent kiss and your lips move in unison.

He wraps his arms around your waist as the kiss intensifies, your mouth opening and welcoming his tongue. 

He explores your mouth, and you do the same. You feel that familiar spark burst into a flame, and you realize how much you long for Ben. 

How much you want him.

You pull back, breathing heavily and look up into his eyes.

He stares back at you, eyes dilated. 

You break into a fit of giggles, over the moon that you had just kissed Ben Solo.

He smiles, looking at your happy state and cannot help but feel the same himself. 

You walk into your dorm after bidding Ben Solo a goodnight. Aleta does not miss the way you skip to the fresher, hum to yourself as you brush your hair, and sigh as you enter your modest bed.

She smiles. 

Outside your dorm, Ben does not head for his own, but instead moves to leave the Academy. He was supposed to go to the forest tonight. He was to meet Snoke, update him on life at the Academy. 

Outside, Ben pauses. It’s quiet, everything is asleep. He should be too. He gazes up at the moon, it’s white colour reminding him of his own mother. If she were here, she would be angry. She would tell him to go sleep. 

Ben’s thoughts drift to you. He knows you’re in Academy, asleep. He knows how much you admire and idolize his perfect Jedi persona. How you see him as an example. 

He feels a pang of shame. Guilt, even.

No, he will not meet with Snoke tonight. 

Ben turns around, walking back into the Academy. For the first time in months, he does not feel alone. 

——

Everyday you had been meditating. 

Ben was right, your mind no longer felt like it was in a constant mode of completing a puzzle, trying to find the last missing piece. 

You felt whole, complete. 

Your insecurities of not being strong enough were fading with each meditation session you finished. 

What also helped was your success at finally beating that damn silent droid. 

It happened a few weeks after the unforgettable kiss. 

You were much calmer, still working on the patience. You were getting better, though.

Ben and yourself were in the middle of the forest. You were blindfolded again, both lightsabers out.

You heard every noise in the forest yet again. 

This time, you did not panic. 

Instead, you took a deep breath, muting all those sounds as you exhaled. 

You called on the force to help you locate the position of the droid. You felt the familiar buzzing surrounding you, and you felt the presence of Ben standing somewhere behind you. Most importantly, you sensed the droid up in the air to your right. 

The droid shot a beam of red light towards your direction. You instinctively drew your right lightsaber parallel to your body, deflecting the beam aimed to cause you harm. 

You now felt the droid moving, it moved up in the trees, the slight rustle of the branches reaching your ears as it did so.

It was moving. You knew it was travelling somewhere North. With this in mind, you let your feet carry you, determined to hunt the droid and to finally accomplish your goal of demolishing it.

You called on the force again, expertly moving in between trees, jumping over larger stones and chasing after your opponent.

You were elated. You felt strong. Truly felt like you and the force were one.

You drew your left lightsaber in front of your neck, already deflecting the beam that the droid had released. 

You breathing became heavy and you paused your movements. 

The droid was here, trailing somewhere around you. You felt it. 

You took another deep breath. Silently asking the force to aid you. 

The sudden presence of the a mechanical being overwhelmed you. You now knew it was behind you, about 50 feet in the air, aiming to blast yet again. 

With a grunt of effort, you quickly turned around, using the force to jump towards your opponent, bringing your right lightsaber up and slashing the droid in half. 

It fell to the ground and you swiftly followed. Knees bent, each lightsaber in hand, you looked up, already knowing Ben would be standing in front of you.

Extinguishing the blades, you attached them to your waist and took off your blindfold.

Your eyes met the pleased expression of Ben Solo.

You were delighted with yourself. Your progress. 

“Excellent job. I’m impressed.” Ben told you, taking the blindfold from your hands. 

He pulled you into his arms and you melted into his touch.

The two of you had gotten extremely close after the kiss you shared.

He quickly pecked your lips and you groaned when he pulled away before you could deepen the kiss.

Ben turned to pull another blindfold from his bag. You eyed him curiously.

“Are you ready to duel blindfolded?” 

You were about to respond when the two of you were interrupted when something in Ben’s bag started beeping. 

Ben froze.

“Why do you have a communication device? I thought we weren’t allowed those?” You face scrunches up in confusion, and he pulled away, stumbling slightly. 

“You should go.” He says simply.

You stare at him, dumbfounded.

“I won’t tell anyone, I swear.” You say, reaching your arm out to him.

He flinches back and you stop your movement.

You call out his name, but he isn’t paying attention. His gaze is trained on the bag, where the sound continues to buzz. 

You slowly back away and turn for the Jedi Academy. 

You’re disheartened at Ben’s behaviour. You thought he wouldn’t push you away like all the other times he had. 

You were also concerned. Why was he flinching? Who was calling him? 

You were determined to find out.

But not today, Ben would certainly notice. 

You walk back to your dorm, head buzzing with thoughts. You sit to meditate.

Back in the forest, Ben gulps nervously. He had not contacted Snoke for weeks. 

Snoke must be angry.

Ben takes out the device, and Snoke’s angry head appears.

“Where have you been?” Snoke growls at Ben, and the young boy stops himself from flinching.

“I’ve been busy, with training.” Ben responds, hoping the man cannot trace the fear that resides in his voice.

There’s a pause. Snoke simply looks at Ben, recognition dawning upon him.

“You like her, don’t you?” Snoke’s soft tone startles Ben, and he looks at the deformed man with wide eyes.

“It may be in your best interest to refrain from acting on these feelings. You are a Jedi, no?” 

Ben starts to feel the guilt he pushed away ever since you and him became...intimate. 

He was the nephew of a Jedi legend. Grandson of Anakin Skywalker, notorious because his fall to the dark side was all due to his love for a woman.

That is what Snoke told Ben. 

Ben was afraid. Afraid that he would not be as powerful as his iconic lineage, afraid that he too, would somehow bring devastation to the galaxy. That he would hurt you. 

“Now, now. Let’s not show such fear. Young Solo, you are the most gifted student I have ever seen. Do no let some girl whom they say is your equivalent distract you. I assure you, she possesses no where near the talent I see in you. An Anakin in the making. Do not become distracted. Unless you want what happened with Darth Vader, happen to you.”

Snoke chose his words carefully. He did not want Kylo to be pathetic like Anakin Skywalker was, but he knew that if he revealed his true intentions, the foolish boy would escape his grasp. 

Snoke has plans. Snoke has been preparing. 

Snoke’s words petrified Ben. He truly did not want anything to happen to you. With Snoke’s tone, it felt like he knew something was going to happen. 

“Snoke, is something to happen?”

Snoke smiles, his wrinkled skin crinkling at his eyes. He looked devilish. 

“No my dear child. Tell me, how do you feel about your uncle now? The Jedi order? Your place in all this?” 

Snoke’s question catches Ben off guard, and Ben blinks repeatedly. He doesn’t know how he feels, he hasn’t given it much thought. 

Behind a tree nearby the conversation taking place, is Luke Skywalker. 

He felt utterly dejected, looking upon Ben’s crouched figure. 

Luke knew it at once. Droplets of the dark side have permanently stained his nephew’s soul.

Luke shut his eyes. Took a breath. Swallowed the emotions that screamed at him for failing his own blood. 

What would Leia and Han say?

What would people say of the great Luke Skywalker, who was unable to train his own nephew? 

The burden that comes with being a hero began to worth Luke as of late. He constantly felt he was failing. 

He pushes these thoughts away.

Luke hears the quiet conversation come to a stop and takes this opportunity to confront Ben. It was time to end this before it was too late.

“Ben!” 

The young Jedi freezes. Slowly turning around, eyes narrowing. 

“What are you doing here, Master?” 

“I could ask you the same thing, kid. Who were you talking to?” 

Ben immediately shifts into a defensive stance, holding his bag behind his back while glaring at his uncle.

It’s silent. Ben does not respond. 

Finally, Luke looks into Ben’s eyes and feels the hatred, the resentment toward him.

The resentment turns into anger, drowning Luke and he stumbles back, letting out a choked cough. 

Luke knew it clearly now. He was too late. The anger growing in his nephew was incomprehensible. Ben could hurt someone. Maybe already has.

Ben did not know he was radiating such anger. What Ben did know, was that he was afraid. Afraid of how fearful his own uncle was toward him. 

Ben swallowed his own fear, turning back in the direction of the Academy.

Luke stared at him.

He wanted to call Ben back, tell him it was okay. He was not in trouble. 

But he did not.

Ben felt wetness covering his cheeks and when he moved to wipe it away, he realized he was crying.

It seemed as if only Snoke would ever truly understand him. 

——

2 weeks before the attack

The next day, you found yourself in the main hall with Aleta and Kebe. 

“So what you’re telling me is, you guys act like a couple, but...aren’t a couple?” Aleta asks, sipping her juice. 

“Well, you know, he wants to honour the original Jedi code. That means no relationships.” You say in response, trying best to cover the same sadness you felt when Ben told you of his wishes one night.

“Hm. So you guys just fuck?” Kebe asks, spreading butter over her bread and you choke on your own toast, coughing out bits of toast you had chewed earlier.

“What? No! We just...” You let out a groan of frustration. You didn’t know what the two of you were and you too were afraid to ask Ben instead. It seemed like Ben had a lot on his plate already. You didn’t want to annoy him.

Andor walks to the group, greeting everyone.

“So what are we talking about, ladies?” Andor says as he sits beside you.

“Oh, just Ben and y/n, the two lovebirds that don’t know how to love each other.” Aleta says, giggling. 

Andor clears his throat.

“Love?” 

You look at him, and he stares back at you, lips forming a tight line. 

Kebe looks at Aleta, silently reprimanding her. Andor had confessed to Kebe of his feelings for you not too long ago.

“No, no! I don’t love him! I just...” You can’t seem to finish your sentence. Do you love him?

Lost in your thoughts, you fail to see Andor’s pained expression. He quickly masks it with a smile. 

“Well, I need to meet Marin. Something about repairing his lightsaber.”

Andor avoids your gaze as he gets up. You grab his wrist.

“Hey, I’ve noticed we haven’t been talking a lot lately. Are you okay?” You ask Andor sincerely. He’s your close friend, it pains you seeing him distant.

“I’m fine.” He grits out, roughly pulling from your grasp and walking away.

You frown. 

“I wonder what that was about.” You say, taking another bite of your toast, chewing worriedly.

Kebe rolls her eyes. 

All throughout training, you look for Ben. You do not see him. It worries you, but you bury the feeling. 

If something were truly wrong, you would know by now. This is what you chanted in your head as you watched Master Luke talk about some art form found in ancient Jedi texts. 

After training is done for the day, you rush to the forest, to the familiar holed tree where you and Ben trained together often.

Upon arrival, you saw Ben’s slouched and sitting figure laying against the tree, reading a book.

You looked at him, puzzled.

“Why weren’t you at training, Ben?” 

He ignores you and continues to read. 

“Ben? Are you okay?” You sit down beside him, holding his hand in your own. You lay your head on his shoulder.

He feels his heart soften. A weight on his chest being lifted.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry I missed today’s training.” He smiles as you turn to look at him.

The smile doesn’t reach his eyes. 

You dismiss this observation and instead kiss him on the lips. 

“Okay, good. You had me worried. Please don’t do it again.” You lean into his touch and sigh in contentment.

Ben pretends to read. But he finds himself no longer feeling the warmth he once felt around you. He now felt empty. Isolated. Lonely. He felt a constant anger, one he could not explain, and one he was afraid of telling you about. 

The only person Ben talked to these days was Snoke. Snoke told him that if they joined forces, they could bring order to the galaxy. One that was in shambles after the Empire. The galaxy needed leadership. One that the both of them could provide. 

Snoke also promised to teach young Solo. That he was wasting his talents, rotting in a school that was much lower than his talent level. 

Soon enough, Ben Solo believed what Snoke said. 

Then, laying in his arms, you felt it. A shift in the force. Some news, sad news would make its way to you. 

You abruptly got up and Ben made no resistance to stop you. He looked at you with a blank expression and watched you walk away silently.

You let your feet carry you and found yourself outside Master Luke’s study.

You opened the door and looked at him. He gave you a pained expression, putting away his communication device. 

“I’m sorry. Your whole family is gone.”


	4. Death of the Jedi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It literally pained me to write this chapter. Anyways HERE YA GO

You didn’t believe him.

You didn’t believe that your mother, father and sister were all dead.

You blinked, and stared back at Master Luke. Your mind became swamped with vague memories of your family- spending night outside home, seeing thousands of stars while hugging your favourite stuffed bear, meeting your baby sister, and saying goodbye to them when you left with Master Luke to the Academy.

You swallow the lump in your throat. You opened your mouth, but nothing seemed to come out, raw grief consuming you. 

Master Luke continued to stare at you, he could feel your intense sadness and regret. Regret that you had never seen them in a decade. Regret that you did not see your baby sister grow. Regret that you could have somehow prevented their deaths. Regret that you did not beg to visit them more often.

Your heart seemed to twist in pain and you let out a choked cough.

He let out a sigh. He called out your name, ready to comfort you, but you interrupted him.

“Let me go home.” Your voice was raspy, breathless. You were holding back tears, desperately trying to remain composed. Jedi were supposed to be able to constrain these types of emotions...right?

“It’s okay to cry,” Master Luke sighed. “It’s not a crime.”

You didn’t listen him. Instead, a tear fell down your cheek. You held back a sob. “Please let me go home.” You looked at him, lips quivering. One thing you remember quite well from your home village was the importance of attending any social event. Whether it be a marriage or a funeral, it was considered obligatory in your village for everyone to attend. Most importantly, the family members of those the event was for must be in attendance. You knew it was imperative that you leave. That you be part of the ceremony that buries your loved ones deep within earth.

At the thought, you let out a sob, leaning against the doorframe. You refused to enter Master Luke’s study. You quickly composed yourself, wiping your snotty nose and looked at the wise Jedi.

“You can go. Only because one of your friends called and requested your presence at the funeral ceremony.” His voice came out cold and he mentally slapped himself. He didn’t mean to sound rude or inconsiderate, if anything he wanted to embrace you like a father. He didn’t know what was wrong with him recently, but everything he seemed to do always turned out to be wrong.

You simply nodded and turned to leave. You silently cursed yourself. Right now, joining the Jedi order seemed like the most idiotic decision you had ever made.Sure, let me just join a cult that controls whom I see and when I see them! A totally perfect crew to be part of, you think to yourself sarcastically.

Master Luke wanted to pull you back and comfort you. But despite what many thought, he was a man who made and would go on to make many mistakes. Neglect many people. You were one of them. 

You sniffled and walked back to your dorm. You began packing immediately, silently thanking the force that no one was in the room with you. You were in no mood to talk to anyone or explain what had happened. You took a couple of training outfits (these were the only clothes you had) and left for the main hall to take some ration packs for your journey. 

Exiting the room, you collided with a tall, dark wall. You made a small ‘oof’ sound and took a few steps back to realize it was Ben. 

You didn’t look at him. “Sorry.” You muttered, already moving past him to your destination. He quickly grabbed your arm and twisted you around so you faced him. His face held an expression similar to yours, like he could feel the grief you were currently drowning in.

“What happened?” He whispered as he looked into your eyes.

“I...they’re gone.” You couldn’t say much more as you finally broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. Even though you hadn’t talked to them or rather, seen them for a decade- it pained you to know they were gone. The people that are supposed to be closest to you in this life, were all dead. You should’ve been there. You could’ve done something. Anything.

You cry harder and notice that Ben is holding you tightly in his arms, whispering how everything will be okay while gently stroking the back of your hair. You relax in his embrace, and eventually stop crying hysterically. 

You wipe away your tears and pull back. 

“I’m leaving. Just for a week or two. I need to see them I-“ Your voice cracks. You can’t even speak properly. More tears fall down your cheeks as you look down to your feet, bag in hand.

Ben holds your face in his hands, wiping away your tears with his thumbs. He gives you a small smile. Your foreheads touch and you both close your eyes.

Through the force, you are overwhelmed with feelings of comfort, serenity and understanding. You know these feelings are from Ben. You realize he is the only person who understands you.

“Stay safe.” 

You nod and begin walking away. You pause. “Please tell everyone what’s happened.” You say after you twist your head back, facing Ben Solo.

He nods.

You leave. 

——

It has been a week since you’ve left for your home planet. Not much has changed at the Jedi Academy, only the whispers of the news and the concerned feelings of your friends as they discussed your abrupt departure.

“I just...wish she said goodbye.” Kebe sighs one afternoon. 

Everyone is sitting in the main hall, Kebe, Andor, Aleta, Marin and Ben all huddled in a corner in the room.

“Yeah, well things happen. She needed to leave.” Ben said, snapping at Kebe. He felt increasingly irritated by everyone. Now that you had been gone, his patience (a quality that he ironically strengthened in you) quickly began to dissipate. He was annoyed by his friends’ presence and ached to be alone. He also became increasingly agitated by Master Luke’s constant instigation of his whereabouts. Every night, when Ben would try to sneak out and talk to Snoke- Luke would be there. As soon as Ben saw him, he’d tiptoe right back to bed, furious that he could not see the one person who comforted him. 

In training, Ben became unusually powerful. Now, no one could last more than thirty seconds in duel with him. His feelings of resentment, anger, fear- propelled him to victory in fights, winning them all. 

Everyone else dismissed his insane skills for his powerful bloodline, but Master Luke silently watched. His panic increasing. He knew such rapid growth in power and talent only stems from one source. The dark side. 

Master Luke tried. He tried talking to Ben, tried getting others to talk to him, but without you here- Ben simply ignored everyone. 

That is why everything escalated on that cursed night. The night that forced Master Luke to properly confront Ben for his wrongdoings. Master Luke decided he was going to do whatever it took to end whatever nonsense Ben was engaged in. 

——

Arriving at your planet, an industrial world home to the largest factories in the galaxy. You suddenly remembered why you were eager to run away. To join the Jedi in the first place. Anything other than being condemned to life in a building burning coal to make useless products for the rich was an option considered glorious to you. 

A pang of guilt.

Had you been selfish? Your entire family were forced to live this life as you turned your head, ignoring them, joining Master Luke to learn how to swing a stick. A fresh set of tears fall down your face. 

No. You cannot grieve like this. It is the will of the force for these things to happen.

This new voice counsels you in your mind, and you relax your tense shoulders, closing your eyes.

You open to find your mother staring at you, a black liquid staining her clothes and dirt smeared on her face. Another rough day at work. You hear a small child crying, realizing it was yourself as you leaned into your mother’s touch.

“I’m okay, child. No need to cry. You see?” Your mother gently stroked your hair, slightly pulling back so she can smile down at you. “I’m perfectly fine.” 

“Why do you live such a hard life, mommy?” The naivety of your question made your mom smile. 

“Well, I’d like to believe that we are only burdened with that which we can handle. No more, no less.” 

Suddenly, you’re coughing and you jump up from the carriage taking you to the small village far from the factories. 

After calming down, you ponder on the memory. 

We are only burdened with that which we can handle. 

You smile sadly to yourself, feeling the weight lift off your chest. They were gone, there was nothing you could have done. You were going to do your best to honour their lives, as grieving and overcoming their deaths is something the force knows you can handle. 

A few days passed, and after getting all the funeral preparations ready, it was time for the ceremony. 

You were dressed in blood red, a simple symbol telling all that you mourn the fallen members of your family. 

The bodies are placed in the centre of the gathering, a simple red sheet draped over each of the bodies, covering them. All members of your village wear black, circling the bodies silently. At last, you enter. Holding back tears, you hold 3 agapanthus, lavender flowers specially laid on bodies of the deceased. The last farewell. 

You slowly approach the bodies as everyone in the circle hums lowly. Your heart beats wildly. It was terribly important that you not cry. The time period to openly mourn in front of others had passed. This final goodbye was a show to display your courage, your strength- a symbol to show you were fine.

Even if you felt the opposite.

You gently placed the first flower on your little sister, then mother and lastly father. You wanted to rip away the cloths that hid their faces and hold them in your arms. Scream. 

But you did not.

Instead, you retreated slowly into the crowd and hummed with them. Two men came forward, shovels in hand as they began to dig in the earth. You watch as they dug deeper and deeper, matching the hole in your heart that would never be quite filled after that day. 

Eventually, 3 other men joined in and worked together to lower each body in the hole. You watched silently, feeling numb all over. You felt that if you were to move, even the slightest bit, you would collapse.

With your little sister’s body buried, the humming stopped. You felt everyone’s eyes on you. You nodded. That was everyone’s sign to retreat home.

The day of the funeral was one spent in silence. No food after the event, no special comfort talks. After the funeral, everyone would quietly tread back to their home and spend their day in silence. This funeral was no different.

You decided you did not want to extend your stay, desiring to leave that night back to the Academy. After all, everything here reminded you of your family. Why would you want to spend time here? 

That night, sitting alone in your small ship, you felt it. You immediately panicked. You always felt this constant buzzing in the force, one you attributed to be Ben’s connection with you. It strengthened and became more prominent when you were with him. Now, it abruptly cut off- like it was never there in the first place.

You told yourself to calm down, that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. That maybe he got hurt and was spending time in the hospital. You itched to the com link, desperate to communicate with Master Luke, ask how Ben is, but stopped yourself. You assured yourself that everything was fine. You were probably being paranoid, as this was the first time you had spent a large amount of time away from the Academy.

So you continued to pilot your ship, cursing the piece of junk and asking it why it couldn’t fly faster.

Meanwhile, night had fallen on the planet where the Jedi Academy was located. Tonight was the night it would be done. 

Ben’s couldn’t stop crying, no matter how much he tried. He had just cut off his force bond with you. Snoke had taught him over the past week. It only required intense focus and the will of the mightiest soldier. But it was done, a temporary breakage, needed for the next part of Snoke’s plan. That is what Snoke had told Ben. The young Solo was relieved you wouldn’t be here, he truly knew he would not be able to...injure you in any way. Like he was expected to hurt the others. He gulped. 

Looking at the exit, he saw no Master Luke. That’s odd. Ben had suspected Master Luke to be on guard like he recently had been, but he was not. Ben wasn’t complaining though, this makes his life extremely easier. 

Ben adjusts the oversized pancho covering him, pulling the hood over his head. No one can recognize it’s him. He quietly moves to the exit. From afar, Master Luke watches his nephew move straight into the forest, no doubt meeting with that wretched friend of his.

Ben arrives at his destination, quickly taking his hood off and calling Snoke. 

Snoke greets him with a smirk. “Good, I see you’ve managed to get out quickly today.”

Ben responds with a curt nod, looking down at his sweaty hands. He’s nervous. Afraid. Snoke really hadn’t told him what he had to do tonight, only that it would test his allegiance to Snoke. That it was the first step to bring order to the Galaxy.

Luke trailed behind Ben, eyes widening as he saw who the young boy was talking to. Luke immediately recognized the pixilated figure, he could’ve sworn he had killed all the force-enhanced genetically engineered beings the Empire tried to create 20 years ago. Luke realized the gravity of the situation, cursing himself repeatedly. 

Still hidden from view, Luke uses the force to effortlessly crush the communication device that showed the talking figure of Snoke. 

The remnants of the device fall in to Ben’s hands as he flinches.

Turning around, Ben finds his Uncle, staring at him- fear plaguing his uncle’s eyes. 

Ben’s eye twitches. He’s tired. Tired of being told he is different. Tired of being feared by everyone. Tired of always hiding who he is when he doesn’t fully understand his own identity himself. 

With an agonized roar, Ben takes out his lightsaber, aggressively stomping his right foot in front of him and points the lightsaber in Luke’s direction.

Luke’s eyes widen. 

He has failed. Failed his own nephew.

His shoulders slump. 

“Put down the saber, Ben. Please.” Luke’s plea is ignored by Ben, who is breathing heavily, adrenaline coursing his veins. 

“No. I’m exhausted of you thinking I’m horrible.” Ben says, breathlessly exasperated. Twisting his lightsaber, he holds it in his right hand, bringing it next to his face, the blade still parallel to Luke. 

Ben laughs bitterly. “You know, I guess I am the horrible little boy you always knew I would turn out to be.” 

With that said, Ben chargers at the older man. 

Luke quickly draws his own blade, the green saber blocking the blue blade from cutting Luke’s head off. This only pushes Ben to apply more effort, pressing down on his lightsaber, his infuriated expression highlighted by the blue-green sparks from the blades.

Ben only becomes angrier as he looks at Luke’s pained expression, and quickly retreats his offensive attack. Instead, he uses a technique Snoke had advised him would help defeat the Jedi ‘hero’. 

Ben takes a deep breath and rapidly draws back his lightsaber and pushes it down yet again to hit his former master. 

Luke blocks it. He does not want to attack his student. His nephew.

This encourages Ben, who repeats the same attack again, again and again. Each time, Luke is forced to retreat. Ben smirks and abruptly stops, jumping on a tree beside him, using it as a stepping stone to aid the massive jump he takes- aided by the force. Suddenly he is out the forest, in front of Luke’s precious Academy. 

Ben wipes away the beads of sweat on his forehead. He hears the thump of Luke hitting the ground, somewhere behind him, predictably following Ben’s actions.

Ben gets up from his crouched position and turns around to see Luke standing far away from him. 

The ground begins to shake. 

Luke loses his balance, extremely confused when he looks to his nephew’s face. 

Ben’s eyes are closed, he’s completely focused, hand drawn out, pointing to Luke. 

Luke gasps. 

“BEN, NO!” 

Before Luke can even move into action, a large, concrete chunk of the Academy breaks off, thrown directly in Luke’s direction. 

It happened so fast, completely catching the Jedi Master off guard, as the heavy material falls on top of Luke. He lets out a pained groan. 

Ben could’ve killed Luke. He really wanted to. But something in him refused to let him actually do it. 

Now, Ben turned around. Facing the academy, he knew he could not face all the padawans at once. It is why when they were all asleep, he had swiftly taken their lightsabers. They were in his possession. Still, he thought, they are relatively intelligent. Users of the force. Which is why he had to do this. 

Drawing at the small fire that on many nights, would simply cackle in the darkness after everyone had gone to sleep, Ben closed his eyes and screamed at the force. The fire exploded, growing ten fold in size, barely constrained in the small pit that was made for it. 

“Ben?” 

He froze.

He saw Andor’s hesitant gaze, worriedly looking at him. The glow of the fire tinted Andor’s skin slightly red.

“What...what are you doing? What happened? Where’s Master Luke?” 

Ben was annoyed. Just your little bitch that didn’t know how to take a hint. That you obviously did not reciprocate the feelings Andor so clearly possessed for you.

The thought made his eye twitch. The possibility of Andor surviving and the two of you...ending up together irritated him.

His left arm, the one that was not controlling the fire, suddenly raised up and pointed in Andor’s position. 

The boy’s eyes widened. He instinctively reached for his belt, eyes showing extreme panic when he realize his lightsaber was no longer attached to body.

Ben smirked. 

“I’m sorry, I need your lightsaber. I’ll be sure to return it.” Ben said innocently, then immediately pushed the force to apply pressure to Andor’s neck. 

Andor began choking, hands flying to his neck, clawing at the skin, desperate for oxygen. 

Andor didn’t cry, he didn’t plead. This unnerved Ben and he accidentally looked into Andor’s eyes. 

Disappointment.

Ben’s anger reignited, finally snapping Andor’s neck as his body fell to the ground. Ben chocked out a sob. 

No. He didn’t want to do this. What has he done? 

But it was too late. If he did not carry out the plan, he would face the wrath of Snoke. If he did, he would be kicked from the order and banned to a life of shame. Ben wouldn’t have that. With that, he moved his right hand to the Academy, guiding the fire into the hole he had created earlier. He watched the building glow red and yellow with the fire spreading rapidly within it. 

He heard the first scream, knowing it was Aleta’s. Your best friend. He swallowed. He watched the padawans attempt to escape, their efforts futile as the fire now enveloped any exit there was. Their screams, cries and hysterical moaning sounds were too much for Ben. He stood outside the Academy, praying that somehow, he would be forgiven for his sin.

You finally landed on the cursed planet, and you were filled with dread. As you walked closer and closer, you smelled something burning. It seemed to be some sort of animal, because the smell was so foul, so putrid you gagged multiple times. 

You did not feel any force sensitive beings near you. You panicked even more. What was happening? You figured to go through the forest, a less conspicuous way to approach the Academy, in case something had happened.

With each step, you prayed your instincts were wrong. You desperately hoped this would be just another tale of your paranoia you would sit down and tell your friends the next day. You bit your lip, remembering you hadn’t even said goodbye to them. 

You approached the end of the forest, where the Academy was in sight. You gasped. It was in flames. 

You didn’t think twice. All you saw was a hooded figure in front of your second home, and the desire to protect your friends (who you refused to believe were dead) overtook your next actions. 

You screamed savagely, using the force to fling yourself right behind the figure, drawing both your lightsabers- ready to cut down the intruder. 

The man was faster. 

He quickly turned around, his own eyes widening as he pulled down his hood, revealing the man you thought you loved.

You halted your fierce attack, dropping your sabers mid-air and falling right on top of him. You both groaned, rolling on top of each other as you finally came to a stop. You were laying beneath him, and his eyes, glossed with tears stared at you.

Your eyes bulged out of your head as you realized Ben had done all this. 

Using all your might, you brought up your legs, using your knees to help kick Ben off you. It worked, and he flew a back, his back hitting the concrete piece where Master Luke was trapped under. 

You were not aware of this, neither was Ben. But underneath it all, Master Luke managed to keep a small space between the boulder of death and himself where his neck was located. Master Luke was still alive, barely. 

Ben let out a pained grunt as he stood to get up. He stood straight, facing you again, as he saw you hyperventilating. 

Your breaths came out in short gasps after you realized you were standing next to Andor’s limp body. He was you best friend. They were all so close to you. They were gone.

Killed by Ben.

You let out a sob. You quickly called your lightsabers back to you, igniting them. 

You stood sideways, the lightsaber in front of your body held upside down, angled toward Ben. The other saber held behind you, ready to defend any attacks Ben may strike against you. 

You didn’t want to kill him. You wouldn’t. Your plan was to detain him, and simply ask: why? Why did he sever his connection with you? How did he even do it? Why would he kill all those who considered him to be their family? 

Your gripped tightened on your lightsabers as Ben let out a dry laugh. 

“So, you’re going to kill me?” 

There was an undeniable tone of hurt in his voice, which fuelled your anger you had been trying to repress. 

“Yes. Just like you killed the ones who considered you their brother.” 

Your answer caught him off guard. He slowly pulled out his own blue blade. 

“Let’s hope all those private lessons paid off.” 

You snarled and he ran at you, immediately aiming his blade for your head. 

You cleared your head, with a deep breath, calling to the force. You begged it to help you. To save whatever of the Jedi was left. 

You calmly brought the saber held behind you, holding it in front of your neck, protecting yourself against Ben’s brutal attack. 

He looked absolutely unhinged, black eyes wide, pieces of hair sticking to the sides of his head where there was abundant sweat. He breathed rapidly.

It was a stark contrast to your even breathing and stoic expression. The only thing that gave away your intense sorrow were the silent tears cascading down your face. You looked at him, really looked at him. You saw a frightened boy, already regretting what he had done. 

But it was too late. You could not forgive him.

You used the force to push him off you, bringing both your blades up in circular motions, now moving on the offensive. You repeated this, aiming to hit Ben. The man that was now your enemy. 

He effortlessly dodged and deflected your attacks. It was clear he was stalling. Either that, or he really wasn’t going to kill you. 

You shook away any distractive thoughts. Focus, you told yourself. 

You used to force to jump high and land in front of him. He quickly turned around, barely bringing his blade up in time as you brought your lightsabers up, intensely crashing them down, aiming to cut Ben in two. 

The both of you are now drenched in sweat, each taking turns to slash at one another, while the other defends. This pattern goes on for some time. Eventually, you fall back into that familiar song. It made your stomach churn. The song where you both silently circled one another, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

This time, you were patient. You were willing to wait. You wanted- no, needed to defeat former padawan and Jedi Ben Solo. 

You don’t know how you hadn’t heard it before, but the familiar roaring engine of a ship disturbed the melody of your duel. 

You look up, seeing a droid pilot the ship. Ben extinguishes his blade, and before you can do anything- jumps onto the small opening of the ship. 

If you really wanted to, you could have done the same, chasing after him. Killing him. 

But you don’t. 

You watch silently, tears yet again staining your cheeks as you helplessly watch the ship become smaller and smaller, eventually flying out of sight. 

Only then do you let out a broken sob, turning to the Academy, the one that you were certain, held the dead bodies of all your friends. 

You rushed to Andor. You crouched down holding his head in your lap and screamed. You screamed loudly, not stopping until your throat contracted in pain. 

Your ear-piercing scream awoke the unconscious Luke, who let out a deafening cry for help. Immediately you turned around, gently placing Andor’s body back on the ground and rushing to the boulder of cement. 

You gasped. 

“Master Luke?”

You quickly closed your eyes, striking out your left hand towards the boulder, calling on the force to help you. The boulder was extremely heavy, and your breathing became uneven as you slowly lifted the boulder up. 

Just when the boulder was high enough, away from Master Luke’s body, he used all effort to roll over, well away from the piece of building that almost killed him. 

You saw this and instantly dropped the boulder, dropping to the ground, gasping for air. 

The two of you, breathing heavily, looked at each other wordlessly. Both your skins glowing red and gold from the reflection of the fire, that did not stop burning that night.


	5. Aftermath

It seemed as if the planet you were on pitied you, as later that night heavy rainfall smothered the fire burning the Academy.

The sun shines on the burnt material, guiding your tired body, desperately attempting to find any bodies. You were unsuccessful. It was as if no one had ever lived in the area. Tears flooded your eyes as you harshly blinked them away.

“You won’t find anything.” Master Luke sighs and calls your name, laying on your own beige cloak. He still could not walk properly, his legs still reeling from the fact that they were crushed under the metal-like stone.

You curled your fist. You had an intuitive feeling Master Luke had something do with all this. After all, you were well aware of the tension always present between the uncle and nephew. And now, that tension cost them all everything.

“What did you say to him?” You said this softly, slowly turning around to face the old man.

You were filled with anger and confusion, but you knew you should not let your emotions get the best of you. 

“He was speaking...to some creature for some time. Whispering the beauties of the darkness. I’m afraid my nephew has been successfully seduced to the dark side.” As he said this, Master Luke looked to the clear, blue sky. An exact contrast to his cloudy state of mind. He could feel a lump forming in his throat, which he quickly swallowed.

You, however, were completely stunned. Enraged. 

“How long did you know?” You grit out, both fists clenched. You wanted to punch him.

Luke was taken aback. He shifted his gaze from the steady blue, to the shaking rage of a young woman. 

He quickly looked down. “For some time.”

“What?” You were livid. How did he know and not take action? Is this the same legendary Luke Skywalker that took down that monstrous Darth Vader all those years ago? 

You looked upon the so-called ‘hero’ and saw a damaged man barely holding himself together. There were tears in his eyes, begging to flood his face.

You looked away. 

You were crying openly now, not caring if he saw or not. 

“So you knew. You knew and did nothing.” You laughed out the last part dryly, wiping your tears and sniffling loudly.

“Guess the Jedi never changed. Because they never do shit when shit needs to get done.” 

You looked at the man, still looking at the barren ground. You were so incomprehensibly mad, so sad, that you continued.

Fuck the Jedi, you thought to yourself.

“That’s what you told me right? That the Jedis’ own incompetence lead to the creation of Darth Vader? So you tell me, WHAT has changed? You’ve done it. Again.” 

You were shaking, you could feel your own face burning. And it was not from the heat of the sun.

You suddenly stopped. 

You paused, calculating your next steps.

“I’m done.”

This got your former Master to look up, to meet your blazing gaze as he eyed you questionably.

“I am done with you, I’m done with being a Jedi.” 

With that, you turned and walked away. To where? You did not know.

But Master Luke made the same mistake yet again. He let you walk away- just like he had let Ben out of his grasp.

Your tears fell despite your attempts to stop crying, as you continued to walk away. You half-heartedly wanted Luke to call after you, but he didn’t. 

And that’s when you knew you made the right decision. 

You were vaguely aware that there was a small town some miles in the direction you were headed. What were you gonna do when you got there? 

You had no fucking clue.

Maybe start a new life. Get a simple job, work your way up and get a decent pay. 

You would hide your past. Swallow it with every breath you took, no matter how many times your heart clenched in utter sadness.

It would be nearly impossible to forget Ben Solo. Your love. Your dyad.

You wondered what he was doing now, now that your sacred bond had deteriorated.

You refused to believe that he had truly turned to the dark side. So, you continued to lift one foot in front of the other. A hard task for one carrying the burden of the past, while fearing the outcome of the future. 

What you did not know was that the Empire never really left. It was secretly rebuilding itself, rebranding its horrid self as the First Order. 

And who would be the heart and face of this monstrous scheme?

Your Ben Solo. 

———

A firm, decayed pink hand clasped firmly on the shoulder of Ben Solo. 

The two sat in a blood red room, with all black furniture. Ben sat on the simple black bed, with black satin covers. They were in some sort of large ship, Ben was certain of that. For there was a large window that gave view of the outside. What mirrored Ben were the stars that laced all parts of the galaxy. And the unmistakable empty blackness of space. He shivered. 

Ben Solo was shaking. He expertly masked his doubt, regret, and pain for hurting you and killing all his friends through the force. He did this so well, that even the man talking to him did not notice.

“Ah, young Solo. You did not disappoint.” Snoke said, releasing Ben’s shoulder. Ben let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Now, we must begin. Now, the work must be done. For the galaxy shall see Vader’s grandson accomplish what he could not.” Snoke continued this speech with his back facing Ben. When he finished, he turned to face his apprentice, whose head was firmly staring at his feet. 

Snoke snarled. An apprentice of his, especially one that would outperform what Vader had done, should not be fucking timid like a schoolboy. With that thought, Snoke raised his right hand at the young man, a bolt of lightening flowing from his hand. The flash of electricity struck Ben Solo, who flinched and fell on his back roughly. He was completely taken aback.

It was a pain like no other, it stung all over his body as he twitched repeatedly. He felt ashamed.

He felt fucking angry.

What did he get himself into? 

Oh, what he would give to rewind time and lay in your arms. He cursed himself. Then Snoke.

Snoke hummed in appreciation. “Yes...yes, that’s it. Be angry. Anger fuels us. Fucking resent me, Solo. This isn’t some tea party shit like your Jedi Academy.” He said the last part with disgust, as he turned around and began walking away. 

“Follow me, apprentice.” The deformed man stated simply. He paused, waiting, as Ben struggled to get up. His eye or arm would involuntarily twitch, his body reeling from the aftershocks of the bolt of lightening. He also felt a sharp pain in his abdomen, where the lightening first came into contact. Ben would certainly need to go to the medbay after this.

Ben followed his new master, as the pair entered a completely dark room. With the flick of his wrist, Snoke turned on a single light. It shone brightly on something that made Ben’s breath catch in his throat. 

The distorted, burnt mask of Darth Vader. His grandfather.

“This, my apprentice, will be your second teacher. You are well aware you may connect with things of those powerful weilders through the force. Seek the dark knowledge from this mask. I fear you may have pulls to the light. This will rid any...hesitations.” Snoke eyed Ben, who was completely entranced with the artifact.

Ben touched it and gasped quietly. He suddenly became overwhelmed with feelings of anger, sadness, desperation. A desperation to complete what hadn’t been done before. To rule. Rule everything.

Ben’s grip on the mask tightened.

His breathing became heavy. He closed his eyes as he spoke the words in his mind: Guide me, Grandfather. Show me what you want me to see.

Ben felt like he was being pulled. Pulled down, down, down. He opened one eye, then the other. He was on a fiery planet. Lava exploded between mahogany coloured rock, threatening to burn him if he took a wrong step. Even the sky seemed a shade of orange-red. Everything about this place screamed anger and absolute rage. 

He heard two voices,

“I loved you Anakin.” 

“I HATE YOU!” 

Find your anger, an external voice spoke to Ben. 

Ben did not have any time to process what had happened for he was harshly turned around and seated behind a tall, dark man. Darth Vader. It was on his Star Ship, everything grey. 

Darth Vader was speaking to a frazzled man, in a classic empire uniform. Clearly he was not a high-ranking official. 

Intuitively, Ben seemed to realize that Darth Vader and this man were close friends. In some other life. 

Suddenly, Vader’s arm shot up towards the frightened man and slowly curled into a fist. Simultaneously, the man’s eyes bulged out of his sockets, realizing he was facing the wrath of the mighty Darth Vader.

He clawed at his neck, trying to fight off the invisible hands chocking him. But it was no use. Soon, he fell to the ground. Limp. Dead. 

Ben looked up to see the black cape of Vader as he stalked away. No matter how deprived and vile the action, Ben couldn’t help but admire his grandfather. The absolute authority and fear he instilled in others. Ben wanted to do the same. 

Show no mercy, Kylo Ren. The same booming, daunting voice from earlier spoke to him. It was terrifying; it startled Ben that he held up his arms in front of him. A pathetic attempt to defend himself. He truly thought this deep, prophetic-like voice would hurt him in some way. 

When Ben finally gained the courage to look past his arms, he found himself back in the dark chamber. Snoke waiting patiently beside Ben, like he knew Ben was travelling through his mind, seeing things he did not know. 

Ben looked down at the helmet. A new, profound sense of purpose enveloped him. He wanted- no, needed to do this. Needed to accomplish and relish, thrive in the dark side. For it was his light side master that abandoned him. It was his so called ‘dyad’ partner that almost killed him- so why, why should he feel guilt? He is more powerful than he has ever been. And he wanted to feel this more often. 

His breathing grew heavier and Ben harshly set the helmet back on its pedestal of stone. 

Snoke laughed manically, thrilled his boy was finally coming to his senses. 

As you aimlessly walked to the village, you felt it. You shivered violently, the force screaming at you. 

Then you knew.

Ben Solo was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope u enjoyed! Also idky it says there is only one part, obviously this is going to be continued and I will be updating frequently. I’m new to archive of our own and this is my first time writing a fan fic so pls bare with me <3


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